Home.

To think about it, yours truly has home in a few places. The memories of these places are not just happy, it includes the ugly too. Most importantly are the individuals who are visualized with home. Perhaps the physical home is not as important as that home in the heart. However, it does carry significant meanings to some, yours truly included.

Yours truly is really going home. This vacation, it'll be all of it.

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Dream a little dream. Or two.

What happens when your dreams tell you of the things you fear? That little secret that you never wanted to come to terms with. What do you make of a violent dream - one that ends with an assortment of everything that you would like to keep in the closet with the rest of the skeletons?

Waking up uncertain if your cries are audible. Feeling your heart pound and that heart-wrenching pain that follows. Curling into a smaller ball and wishing the bed would swallow you whole.

Then, the bliss that forgetting brings.

Until memory kicks in and you remember the parts that slices through you.

Why would a dream be that vivid? Is it the story of our suppressed emotions? Damn you, Freud. Why couldn't you come out with more substantial theories?

The realization that it is just a dream but unable to change or manipulate your emotions. Is this connected to the dark circles under the eyes? The break out that suspiciously tells of unacknowledged stress? Why, then, do you crave for sleep so much?

Sweet dreams tonight.

Neglect 2.0.

I never understood how they felt and why they subjected themselves in vain. However, I understood today. In fact, it has taken me these past 4 months to watch, wait and experience the one thing that I never could fathom. To know history will repeat itself, to be given false hope, to be put down in places you should never be at, to give it a second chance and to know that it goes back, ultimately, to square one again.

This semester of university life has been a bitter-sweet experience both mentally and physically. My only respite comes in the knowledge that I will be able to go away from all these and bring forth that girl who I pushed into a dark closet, shut the door in her face and locked it. She got me through the worst moments in my life and this is how I paid her, in full. However, she would never betray me like the rest and only she exists solidly in my sphere.

The soft sighs goes unnoticed in the wind, similar to every physical action that has transpired. In the end, it doesn't really matter right? Nobody would ever go that extra mile and all you have is hope. Hope makes us human, they say. Well, I am as human as I can possibly get where I hope for the best and expect the worst. That, has gotten me through every breath, every laughter, every tear, every ache and every fall.

Reality doesn't produced sparkling flowers. Reality doesn't supply you with endless cushion. Reality doesn't keep you safe.

Reality makes you stronger. Excuse the cliché; when you've hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up.

When you've been hurt, you learn from the pain and you make damned sure it never occurs again.

Another Year.

2012.

Much has come and gone. More is yet to come and go. Perhaps yours truly isn't even dazed or bothered about it. It sure feels like a monotonous rhythm to an already worn out melody.

Being pessimistic is often easier than being an optimist. Also, keeping one's opinions to one's self is much safer than having it come back to kick you in the nether regions after being misconstrued by shallow individuals when you least expect it. To the individual who feels slighted at these words, your conscious is trying to get a message through; listen to it.

So, have a good 29 February. It's your only chance to enjoy it until it appears again in the next 4 years. It could also be the last 29 February you will see if you believe that the world is ending this year.

Believe in what you will. Best of luck with it.

Hypocrisy.

Need I educate you on the definition of the title?

I rather not. Not feeling sanctimonious either.

In fact, yours truly is admitting to being the one of a few things I hate; hypocrite.

As a matter of fact, yours truly is feeling rather vicious at the moment.

Hypocrite.
Sinner.
Liar.
Sloth.
Fat.
Delusional.
Slut.
Pathetic.
Sick.
Maniac.
Immature.
Whiner.
Ass.
Womaniser.
Narcissistic.
Dirt.
Retard.
Son of a bitch.
Whore.
Bastard.

Get the gist? Piss off now.

Maybe your Christmas was happy and merry.

Maybe yours truly will feel a little hospitable by New Year.

Have a nice day.

Good-bye.

Some say it's the least favourable 2 words; others argue that it is one simple word.

With the end of semester 1 in NUS, good-bye (however you want to spell it) isn't applicable. There is a continuation that resumes after the short hiatus of examinations. There is the rush that returns after the calm of the sea of papers. There is the weight that settles.

Your truly realises that the posts are reflective of the mood swings. At one point, it is happy and laid back and at another, it is moody and downright whiny. Coming to the end of 2011, yours truly still isn't sure about many things.

Listening to the multiple sides doesn't seem to aid much. Indecisiveness is elbowing its way into the space that comprehension occupies. At times, it feels like yours truly is rowing a boat towards that island in the distance; at times it appears that I am a mile closer and at times, it appears that no progress  has been made.

A headless chicken running in circles - the only direction yours truly knows and seem to be going.

However, the family vacation is coming up soon. Yours truly is looking forward to that direction although something still feels like it's missing.

Question, questions.

What would you do if you had no fear?

Would you truly be happier? Would the absence of fear result in an easier life?

No fear for repercussions? No fear of failure? No fear of loneliness?

How would your life be different? Without fear, how will the world function?

Shall we be a little selfish and just limit the privilege of fearlessness to me, myself and I?

Yours truly can't make up her mind lately.

Back to the swing. The pendulum has moved.

Another Step Forward.

If yours truly is thankful for one thing at this moment despite the crazy assignments and lack of sleep (and all that jazz), it is for everyone around in Eusoff (especially) and Singapore who have given yours truly constant support. It is indeed hard to see past the barrier but it is not impossible. However, yours truly still doesn't like the competitive, stressful streak here.

To family and friends, you made yours truly believe that indeed, I can always create a home away from home; that I alone am responsible for my own happiness and you all just make it much easier to achieve. Yours truly thought that there wasn't anything else to learn but I was mistaken and proud; humbled, I've learnt much more than I can possibly articulate.

Sometimes yours truly wonders at the probability of things and being a pessimistic being, the worst comes to mind naturally. It takes a lot of courage to just be there and not expect much in return because you sow what you reap. It's best to just give your all then none at all and regretting it later.

Even if the clocks were turned back, yours truly will not change anything that has transcended to date. True, there are some things that yours truly wanted to change but those are the markers that indicate how far ahead yours truly has journeyed. These milestones make a distinct mental and emotional marker every year.

To the D3 Sisterhood, this may just be fatigue + sleepiness + current rush of hormones talking but yours truly is sincerely grateful to have met each and every one of you. The friendship we have is different from those made with my school friends but you have each made a deep impression that will never go away; "What is life?? OH MY GOD, is it the wrong flavour?? STAN! Sex on D, bitch!"

To the close friends everywhere, you are all my blessings; my miracles in fact. Yours truly has something extra that many may never have; I have all your shoulders to rely on when and if I need it. Although the darkness loom sometimes, yours truly knows you'd pick up your rainbow-coloured swords and stab it back (albeit not always effectively).

Family. *sigh* The world on a gold platter if I could despite the multiple "What is wrong with this family???" rants.

This is not supposed to be a warm, heart-felt post but to show just how far yours truly have travelled. Sure, another couple of days and the angst and sadness will return but gratitude is not something easily forgotten. If yours truly has forgotten to say it, thank you for everything and thank you for being you.

Maple, yours truly wish that you would understand English one day or even be able to talk but this will never be. So please let me cuddle you and hug you tight while you never cease in your attempts to gnaw my hands off.

You're in the mirror looking back at me, tell me what is it going to take?
I will keep believing and I will be patient. Just because.


Awkward is when your heart and mind is at polar opposites of your emotions and you can't help but cry; unable to control and unable to articulate it without breaking down.


Looking back a year, it was 20; 20/10/2010. It wasn't the happiest but I had you around. It made things bearable. I am not sure if I would have pulled through without you around.


Thank you from the bottom of my heart, friend.

Articulate.

How easy it is to place a word for everything.

Fat.
Thin.
Ugly.
Beautiful.
Objective.
Depressive.
Angry.
Broken.
Quantify.
Emotion.
Control.
Crazy.

Do you even bother to understand the person behind it? Is aesthetic so important that everything else pales in comparison? Limited to this box, if I could, I'd cross you out furiously and tear you to shreds just to prove my point. The scale tips precariously to the edge and dangles; how do you find that release?

Being an addict cannot be articulated subtly. How do you feel? How do you act? How is it that people can judge you so easily? Can you not understand the person inside? What can you say to the poor man who feeds his soul but not his stomach? Could you blame the person who gives up on life? Cowards; to attempt suicide. What pushes them to that cliff? Giving up. Forgetting. Loneliness creeping and clawing into that small darkness, piercing its thorns into that warm bliss to expand the dark cloud.

How do you find a reason to life when you don't want it badly enough? Your problems are magnified only in your sphere. Exposed to the squalor that life can throw at you, compare a worm to a dragon. Fight, or keep trying to move on; even if the leg that you put forward rots and disintegrates. Hold your head high and be the master of your own soul.

It is indeed amazing how something that cannot be comprehended invokes the deepest emotions you thought you buried and sealed away completely. Solace, open your arms and embrace the lost sheep.