Thursday, 25 October 2018


There is a little girl who read about the elephants; about their minds, their emotions, and their loyalty. She knew she wanted to speak with an elephant to find out their secrets and how they could endure all they do. She wanted to learn how to be like them - majestic, humble, loving, intelligent, strong, gentle, and certain in everything they do. Even as the years passed without meeting one, she still wanted a conversation with an elephant.

She couldn't make the years slow down and couldn't remember last conversations. She was overwhelmed with the people who reacted with their palettes of colours and proved that one can never forgive nor forget. It was tiring having to always be strong and when she couldn't do it anymore, she found out how ugliness is an easier option. Lashing out was a reaction she anticipated but hoped it would never triumph. Comfort was a challenge as her heart bled. So she went away alone and the days blurred into months, into years.

Turn of this year, everything fell into place. Everything that seemed impossible came true. It felt like the wait was over and a gentle hand was aligning all the pieces into place perfectly. Along the way, she met and grew with pawns, knights, queens, and kings who led her to the next chapter. The little girl was exhausted but she kept believing. It is who she is.

She found many bright stars in the brokenness that she encountered and it came together to bring her light when she fell into a dizzying spiral of artifice. It broke the box that was kept aside, spilling out the broken shards. It was a broken warrior inside a jewelled star that reminded her about the elephants, who gave her hope. She allowed the shards to merge with her shadow and finally found that it kept her safe, it stopped the bleeding.

One day, the warrior disappeared. She knew when he started to fade but waited to be wrong. The stars waited with her until it was time for the little girl to fill the emptied box with the joy and elephants the warrior brought her. She knew that even the brightest stars would fade one day. No matter how much she loved them, she could only protect them but could not save them.

So the little girl continued walking as she reached the 28th, knowing that there will be pain around the corner. But she had her stars and the box with her. And there are other stars ahead and maybe, she would meet an elephant.

Happy birthday, little girl.

Monday, 23 July 2018

Chapter #

After a few years of thinking and talking about it, finally moved to the land down under. Getting out was harder than getting in but that's a story for another day.

Relief? Yes.
Excited? A tad.
Long-term? Maybe not.

We'll see what happens as the year progresses.

New faces. New places. New experiences. New priorities.

Cheer for me, okay? (:

Saturday, 1 April 2017

31 Days

Personal journey sharing ahead. The number of ‘I’s in this post exceeds those in the years since this blog was started. Please ignore them as I am cringing while typing this, shedding my anonymity for the next 1,000 words.

I remember posting once about how a second, a minute, or a month feels in different situations. Or did I read about that? It has been exactly a month since I decided to get myself out of a downward spiral that started off innocently enough with the thought, I am enough.

I am not refuting the truth in that sentence. You should love who you are - physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Love all the dimensions of you.

No one else will have that scar.
No one else carries the crazy swath of stretch marks on your thighs.
No one else has the streaks of coloured hues in your eyes.
No one else has the freckles on your back.
No one else hears the voice in your head.
No one else feels that crushing hope in your heart.
No one else suffers through the pain that made you stronger.

What sparked this? Yet another tough lesson I had to learn from life. It was difficult and a challenge to myself to practice what I preached. Boy, was it hard.

In retrospect, I dismissed my weekly progress as slow and insignificant.

How is losing 1kg this week even an achievement? *snorts in contempt* Just you wait, it's coming back!

Surprise, surprise. The 1kg didn't return to me or came back up on the scale the next week.

So brisk walks came into the picture and when I was sure that errant kg was coming back after the first buffet, guilt ate away at me. I took another brisk walk a day before meeting my coach. My heart was pounding when I had to step on the scale for the end of week 2. I refused to look at the statistics until every measurement was taken.

Another kg was gone.

Those who know me, know that a month doesn’t pass without me experiencing some sort of injury. An old injury flared which resulted in an MRI appointment and a verdict of a worn down knee cartilage, causing my kneecap and thigh bone to rub against each other obscenely. Did Romeo and Juliet decide to reincarnate in my bones? Bad life choices guys. Really. Recuperation time: 6 weeks to 3 months minimum. Spectacular. Let’s tuck away the brisk walks back in your dreams.

By week 3, a lunch meet: This is it. The kgs are coming back.

Again, I was mistaken. Right. Move along now. I might as well go on to the next week and whaddya know? Another buffet came right up and made its way down my throat. Guilt came knocking on the door but I ignored it and decided that I had work to do. Subconscious can go play with some brain neurons while I adult.

Exactly 30 days later, I stepped on the scale and pat myself on the back for surviving this long without starving myself. Comparing Day 1 and Day 31’s statistics:

  • Weight loss of 5.6kg.
  • BMI dropped from 32.5 to 30.5.
  • Waistline decreased by 8cm.

Oh-ho! All that 1s finally added up. Yes, it's anoying to walk now because my work pants keep sliding down in the mornings when I commute to work.

I wasn't sure how to handle being wrong. How does one bow out graciously? What does one do with that burst of energy that came from your gleefully bouncing mind? Most importantly, what do you say? What do you tell yourself?

Whenever someone speaks about losing 10-12kg in 3 months or 21kg in 6 months, it seems like a short time. It’s do-able! It’s the determination of champions! Time will fly by so fast! You’re invigorated to try their methods and yes, let’s start tomorrow!

What your mind skips over is that you have to get through each day. That you have 90 days in 3 months and 24 hours in a day. The numbers doesn’t hit you until you have to get through every 3 hours, trying to keep to a meal plan as well as having to make a decision between heading home to relax on the bed with your phone or going to the gym to perspire and drain the last of your energy before you crawl home in a daze. Whose brilliant idea was this again? Scumbag brain!

When you travel, you will inevitably need help along the way. Life does that to you. Whether you accept that fact with an open mind or a hardened heart, your journey continues but what you reach in the end will differ.

Choosing to seek help was awkward and difficult at first. It took me a year to muster the courage to face that fact and ask. True enough, ask and you shall receive. Or for some, ask and the universe will answer you.

My coaches not only helped and encouraged me, they had a whole family/team behind them who did the same. I wasn’t sure at first and it took me a while to open up to a group of strangers on something so personal to me. Those were my baby steps and I learnt valuable lessons along the way; some I will carry with me for life.

I had a goal for July but plans changed and it seems like the challenge for me is now brought forward to June. That competitive streak in me is raring to go and so, WHY NOT?

p/s: If you're cringing at how cynical I am, don't be. I am grateful for that voice. It has taught me to be kinder and more understanding. It has saved me on countless occasions as well.

Friday, 24 April 2015

March On.

Ever wonder why some years seem too long and some are disappointingly short? The answer to that is something everyone has to seek out on their own.

Sometimes one wishes to be able to clear the muddle that is called 'thoughts' and lay it out line by line in military precision. Sometimes it is possible to do so. Most times, it is a jumble of lines and complications that resembles a ball of tangled yarn of various colours after it has gone through the paws of a playful cat.

You would think that an eventful life warrants a piece or pieces of writing to remember it. Archiving your life, so to say since your mind would file away these memories and you might not remember or relive them again.

Not everyone would narrate their lives. Some events are best left forgotten or kept in silence. They aren't necessarily sad, depressive events; they could be the highlights and celebrations of milestones in life. And yet, no record would exist.

You live, you grow and you leave. It doesn't mean it has been one long dull chapter in your story. Whatever you choose to do with your history and definitely not at the expense of others, do it with pride and do what makes you happy.

After all, you is who will make you the happiest.

Friday, 7 November 2014

Mood Insanity.

It is entirely true when women claim how hormones wreck havoc internally on a monthly basis and it affects all their physical interactions. I counted myself the lucky few who escaped this monthly crazy swings although at the price of something else.

Recently, I have had a change of mind. Due to changing circumstances, I have been placed on medication that will help regulate my reproductive cycles. If you're cringing at this point of the post or if you're below 18 (which is stated on that welcoming warning page when you clicked to head to this blog), I advice you to please move your mouse to the 'x' at the top of this tab/page and close this window. It will only get more uncomfortable from here on.

Don't say I didn't give fair warning.

Last chance now.

Still here?

You must be made of sterner stuff. *applauds you*

So in the course of regulating an originally irregular cycle, medication must be ingested. I'm not saying the natural course is wrong or flawed but there are some things in life you can't anticipate and you just have to make the best of it. Or fix it. Whatever your principles are. I'm doing this at a professional's suggestion and hey, no harm in trying.

The price of getting this cycle back to a normal regular course is the mood swings.





How some women endure the insane roller coaster of emotions in a day is beyond admirable. You ladies should be awarded a medal of valour or dexterity for functioning utterly well with such poise while all sorts of warfare and conflicts are raging inside your mind. Emotionally spent at the end of the day, I cannot fathom how you are able to be a functional human. And to undergo this every month annually for the rest of your lives from your first menstrual cycle. It would be a believable argument why there are more female figurines/deities worshipped since ancient times.

Aside, it has been a long week and what way to end it by stumbling across this wonderful picture that gave me a sense of zen. In fact, I haven't been able to stop staring at it for the past 4 hours or so.

Monday, 20 October 2014

Free Books.

Technically, the entire website hosts free books until the authors are able to publish them. Wattpad hosts a large group of talented writers who can't devote their full time to writing. Despite that, I can honestly vouch for some really original and fantastic works on the website. One such author, Emma V Leech, writes as LaDameBlanche.  Her hottest and longest series - The Dark Prince is an absolute gem. Faeries, fantasy, adventures and captivating storytelling are only a small part of what makes her work completely bewitching. As part of a competition organized by Wattpad, I'm sharing Emma's latest work, The Darkest Night for #Wattys2014, a competition of readers' favourites. Lots of posts and hashtags are involved but I really like the series and I believe many would too. It's completely free and available as a mobile application too. You can even read it offline after a one time addition to your Wattpad library. So give it a go and please spread the word about The Darkest Night with the #Wattys2014 in your posts on your social media platforms every time you share it.

Here's the link - and enjoy your read!

p/s: You might want to start from the first book, The Dark Prince and progress to book 4, The Darkest Night. Bound to get you addicted to the fantasy genre again.

Saturday, 2 August 2014


A setting we seem to be falling in love with be it for music, movies, videos, books, our possessions, words or even behaviour.

What's the harm? You repeatedly listen to that song that seem to articulate your words. You replay that scene that seem to tug all the right strings in your heart. You reread the words that give birth to the epics in your mind. You reuse the items of a sentimental value no matter their condition. You repeat the words that portray the inner you. You reach out to shake hands with a stranger, not forgetting to smile every time.

There is no problem.

It's great to have a semblance of order without a doubt. Don't forget that systems were put in place to be built upon and advance mankind. 

Be careful. Be wary that you do not settle comfortably into an arranged way of living. When you allow yourself to be lulled into a bubble of perfect planning, you forget that there are things out there you cannot possibly control, ready to pounce in and unbalance your beautiful schedule.

Do not assume that the loop will always exist. Do not assume that the next expected arrangement will slide into place when you miss the previous. Do not take the first mention lightly because you may never get a second chance.

When you take the first sip of wine with a tongue stressed by an array of flavours, that initial taste to savour becomes marred.

Remember how your parents repeat "Do not make me repeat myself"? An irony in itself, it becomes an impression. In fact, your parents are probably uttering it less as the days go by. Being a stubborn and (quite) headstrong child, it was a daily warning that went unheeded. Come the teenage years and emotional maturity, every word, every gesture, every nuance becomes embedded in mind. When hitting the age of adulthood, all those years of home training becomes a source of comfort when having to live independently for the first time. While finding myself, I held on to this believe - do not make others repeat themselves. It meant taking in every first mention, notice, occurrence and behaviour in equal weight as well as its subsequent revisions. First impressions reveal more about a person than one will ever know and your gut is nearly, always right.

We sometimes utter words we do not mean when emotional and what talent yours truly has, is invested in remembering private personal preferences. That was the case when my brain wasn't addled by technology yet and its capacity was possibly more.

Now, being so dependent on our little gadgets, I have become reliant on recording every word typed and sent using technology. So I go back to them (see, a loop) to remind myself of what others want, what others prefer and what they would like to be done. If no revisions are stated, it means they have not changed their minds or simply not bothered enough to state their change in stance. And I respect them enough to stand their ground and decide what works best for themselves.

Just know that sometimes people forget because they simply do and sometimes it becomes difficult to remember everyone's preference or if a change was made. I'm guilty of this too and find myself wincing when having to receive instructions or making others repeat themselves twice. So I find myself repeating sentences in a loop until it sticks. Bear in mind, communication is a two-way street; you exhale and inhale to breathe. Speak or forever hold your silence.

Maybe we shouldn't have too many confessions tonight.

Monday, 12 May 2014

Quarter of a Century.

Another year to the two-five. And still, there is so much to be understood and much more to be seen.

Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?

Have you look into your eyes and spent time in conversation with yourself?

What a cacophony of voices in the head to be heard over each other. And all you wanted is some quiet.

Sunday, 5 January 2014

Etiquette & Expectations.

A girl in her 20s is in the prime age range to look for that one person whom she will be spending the rest of her life with and of course, there is no lack of wedding invitations or talk of weddings with friends. So what happens when you're not even looking or close to settling down when the big 30s hit you? Are you a destined spinster for life? Are you the perpetually cool 'Auntie ____'? Or the unfortunate girl that nobody wants and will forever be the one friend you can call up for favours because she has no pressing commitments?

I do have my reasons to omit guys from the previous paragraph because guys get it slightly easier. No, seriously. You don't have your parents breathing down your neck about your age and procreating virility. Your physical body is not under constant and not so covert scrutiny to attract the right partner nor is the prime condition of your womb an issue of grave importance. One mention of how your career is important for you in preparation of your future nuclear family is enough for your parents to beam smiles at you with a pat on your back and you are left alone. In fact, they become your advocates of a wonderful character and focus in life and your future goals. You think girls get off that easy? What can girls do? Smile and nod demurely while murmuring some comforting words to let their parents know that they have thoughts on it and are working towards that haven of life partnership.

Am I glad my parents are not like so! But it doesn't mean that I am unsympathetic of those in such pressured conditions. My paternal grandmother seem to think that my sisters and I are of age to have a boyfriend in our lives. Little does she know that we have many boy friends and the bond of friendship we have are familial or plain acquaintanceship.

Lets go back to wedding invitations. I'm sure many have gotten invites through various online platforms for events or functions. No surprise if you have received at least 1 important invitation via Facebook and it has made you feel excited or puzzled if your RSVP really matters. What if you mentioned that you will be attending but forgot about it because you forgot to check your Facebook account for that reminder? What if you have to cancel later because of unfortunate circumstances? Is it a valid response that holds much weight when you click the 'Join' button?

Example, Mary sends out her wedding invite on Facebook to her 800+ friends from the convenient little 'Invite All Friends' button. Is she seriously inviting friends from social circles she has not met nor spoken to in years? If all 800+ accepts her invitation, does she need to book a bigger hall? Does she track who responds to the event and personally sends them a message to ask for their address to send an invitation in the mail?

Lets be realistic here. I doubt brides who have to prepare for their big day would be free to track down every individual joining her event via Facebook. Unless of course her wedding planner is taking care of that but the list will have to be checked with the bride to avoid unwanted guests. What if the invite was accepted by a person who Mary doesn't want to be at her wedding - a crazy ex, an acquaintance from a social event, etc? The possibility of 'what could go wrong' is endless.

Take a look online and you will find multiple articles or discussion on forums condemning this lazy option of mass invite. Jeanne Hamilton writes quite simply in her website Etiquette Hell of her thoughts on such practise. Mind you, it only applies to important events - weddings, baby showers, engagement parties, etc. People are known to invite and cancel invitations verbally too; so what makes Facebook any worse? Is this impersonal method really a faux pas?

Perhaps technology ought to be blamed for creating new social mistakes. Where snail mail once was the proper and polite method of inviting guests to events of importance, now many opt to turn to online means. Isn't the wedding invitation card just as valid as the online e-card, especially if your friends happen to live in a different continent? Snail mail do get lost and sometimes, you do interact better over Whatsapp, text messages and email.

There are different moulds for different situations. What we know of today's social norm is what the larger society has agreed upon. Is the 20th Century generation reshaping social etiquettes by incorporating technology into their daily interactions? What if the 40th Century comes with the extinction of post offices from the invention of the teleportation device?

So many possibilities and arguments for this. If you think a digital card means that you're not important enough to be invited to an event, it's your opinion. If you think that it's a technologically savvy move, it's your opinion. 

Whatever the methods, just RSVP.

Monday, 16 December 2013

Lest We Forget..

Christmas is not about the gifts or the decorations.

Try doing a good deed instead without monetary, physical or any type of returns.