What would you do if you had no fear?
Would you truly be happier? Would the absence of fear result in an easier life?
No fear for repercussions? No fear of failure? No fear of loneliness?
How would your life be different? Without fear, how will the world function?
Shall we be a little selfish and just limit the privilege of fearlessness to me, myself and I?
Yours truly can't make up her mind lately.
Back to the swing. The pendulum has moved.
Monday 31 October 2011
Friday 21 October 2011
Another Step Forward.
If yours truly is thankful for one thing at this moment despite the crazy assignments and lack of sleep (and all that jazz), it is for everyone around in Eusoff (especially) and Singapore who have given yours truly constant support. It is indeed hard to see past the barrier but it is not impossible. However, yours truly still doesn't like the competitive, stressful streak here.
To family and friends, you made yours truly believe that indeed, I can always create a home away from home; that I alone am responsible for my own happiness and you all just make it much easier to achieve. Yours truly thought that there wasn't anything else to learn but I was mistaken and proud; humbled, I've learnt much more than I can possibly articulate.
Sometimes yours truly wonders at the probability of things and being a pessimistic being, the worst comes to mind naturally. It takes a lot of courage to just be there and not expect much in return because you sow what you reap. It's best to just give your all then none at all and regretting it later.
Even if the clocks were turned back, yours truly will not change anything that has transcended to date. True, there are some things that yours truly wanted to change but those are the markers that indicate how far ahead yours truly has journeyed. These milestones make a distinct mental and emotional marker every year.
To the D3 Sisterhood, this may just be fatigue + sleepiness + current rush of hormones talking but yours truly is sincerely grateful to have met each and every one of you. The friendship we have is different from those made with my school friends but you have each made a deep impression that will never go away; "What is life?? OH MY GOD, is it the wrong flavour?? STAN! Sex on D, bitch!"
To the close friends everywhere, you are all my blessings; my miracles in fact. Yours truly has something extra that many may never have; I have all your shoulders to rely on when and if I need it. Although the darkness loom sometimes, yours truly knows you'd pick up your rainbow-coloured swords and stab it back (albeit not always effectively).
Family. *sigh* The world on a gold platter if I could despite the multiple "What is wrong with this family???" rants.
This is not supposed to be a warm, heart-felt post but to show just how far yours truly have travelled. Sure, another couple of days and the angst and sadness will return but gratitude is not something easily forgotten. If yours truly has forgotten to say it, thank you for everything and thank you for being you.
Maple, yours truly wish that you would understand English one day or even be able to talk but this will never be. So please let me cuddle you and hug you tight while you never cease in your attempts to gnaw my hands off.
To family and friends, you made yours truly believe that indeed, I can always create a home away from home; that I alone am responsible for my own happiness and you all just make it much easier to achieve. Yours truly thought that there wasn't anything else to learn but I was mistaken and proud; humbled, I've learnt much more than I can possibly articulate.
Sometimes yours truly wonders at the probability of things and being a pessimistic being, the worst comes to mind naturally. It takes a lot of courage to just be there and not expect much in return because you sow what you reap. It's best to just give your all then none at all and regretting it later.
Even if the clocks were turned back, yours truly will not change anything that has transcended to date. True, there are some things that yours truly wanted to change but those are the markers that indicate how far ahead yours truly has journeyed. These milestones make a distinct mental and emotional marker every year.
To the D3 Sisterhood, this may just be fatigue + sleepiness + current rush of hormones talking but yours truly is sincerely grateful to have met each and every one of you. The friendship we have is different from those made with my school friends but you have each made a deep impression that will never go away; "What is life?? OH MY GOD, is it the wrong flavour?? STAN! Sex on D, bitch!"
To the close friends everywhere, you are all my blessings; my miracles in fact. Yours truly has something extra that many may never have; I have all your shoulders to rely on when and if I need it. Although the darkness loom sometimes, yours truly knows you'd pick up your rainbow-coloured swords and stab it back (albeit not always effectively).
Family. *sigh* The world on a gold platter if I could despite the multiple "What is wrong with this family???" rants.
This is not supposed to be a warm, heart-felt post but to show just how far yours truly have travelled. Sure, another couple of days and the angst and sadness will return but gratitude is not something easily forgotten. If yours truly has forgotten to say it, thank you for everything and thank you for being you.
Maple, yours truly wish that you would understand English one day or even be able to talk but this will never be. So please let me cuddle you and hug you tight while you never cease in your attempts to gnaw my hands off.
Thursday 20 October 2011
You're in the mirror looking back at me, tell me what is it going to take?
I will keep believing and I will be patient. Just because.
Awkward is when your heart and mind is at polar opposites of your emotions and you can't help but cry; unable to control and unable to articulate it without breaking down.
Looking back a year, it was 20; 20/10/2010. It wasn't the happiest but I had you around. It made things bearable. I am not sure if I would have pulled through without you around.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, friend.
I will keep believing and I will be patient. Just because.
Awkward is when your heart and mind is at polar opposites of your emotions and you can't help but cry; unable to control and unable to articulate it without breaking down.
Looking back a year, it was 20; 20/10/2010. It wasn't the happiest but I had you around. It made things bearable. I am not sure if I would have pulled through without you around.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, friend.
Monday 17 October 2011
Articulate.
How easy it is to place a word for everything.
Fat.
Thin.
Ugly.
Beautiful.
Objective.
Depressive.
Angry.
Broken.
Quantify.
Emotion.
Control.
Crazy.
Do you even bother to understand the person behind it? Is aesthetic so important that everything else pales in comparison? Limited to this box, if I could, I'd cross you out furiously and tear you to shreds just to prove my point. The scale tips precariously to the edge and dangles; how do you find that release?
Being an addict cannot be articulated subtly. How do you feel? How do you act? How is it that people can judge you so easily? Can you not understand the person inside? What can you say to the poor man who feeds his soul but not his stomach? Could you blame the person who gives up on life? Cowards; to attempt suicide. What pushes them to that cliff? Giving up. Forgetting. Loneliness creeping and clawing into that small darkness, piercing its thorns into that warm bliss to expand the dark cloud.
How do you find a reason to life when you don't want it badly enough? Your problems are magnified only in your sphere. Exposed to the squalor that life can throw at you, compare a worm to a dragon. Fight, or keep trying to move on; even if the leg that you put forward rots and disintegrates. Hold your head high and be the master of your own soul.
It is indeed amazing how something that cannot be comprehended invokes the deepest emotions you thought you buried and sealed away completely. Solace, open your arms and embrace the lost sheep.
Fat.
Thin.
Ugly.
Beautiful.
Objective.
Depressive.
Angry.
Broken.
Quantify.
Emotion.
Control.
Crazy.
Do you even bother to understand the person behind it? Is aesthetic so important that everything else pales in comparison? Limited to this box, if I could, I'd cross you out furiously and tear you to shreds just to prove my point. The scale tips precariously to the edge and dangles; how do you find that release?
Being an addict cannot be articulated subtly. How do you feel? How do you act? How is it that people can judge you so easily? Can you not understand the person inside? What can you say to the poor man who feeds his soul but not his stomach? Could you blame the person who gives up on life? Cowards; to attempt suicide. What pushes them to that cliff? Giving up. Forgetting. Loneliness creeping and clawing into that small darkness, piercing its thorns into that warm bliss to expand the dark cloud.
How do you find a reason to life when you don't want it badly enough? Your problems are magnified only in your sphere. Exposed to the squalor that life can throw at you, compare a worm to a dragon. Fight, or keep trying to move on; even if the leg that you put forward rots and disintegrates. Hold your head high and be the master of your own soul.
It is indeed amazing how something that cannot be comprehended invokes the deepest emotions you thought you buried and sealed away completely. Solace, open your arms and embrace the lost sheep.
Friday 7 October 2011
For a Lack of Better Words.
It is a revelation to see how selfish you could be. You label yourself a friend? Honestly, look up the word in the dictionary. See how far you fall from it. You cannot blame your culture for your views or shaping who you are. Every culture is flawed; your actions reflect your inner self. Unconscious actions are the closest you will get to taste a person's true colour. You immitate what you see and spit it out like a factory, mass producing something that you never bothered to stop and question. You regurgitate the very epitome you claim to hate while blaring and imposing your stand of no substance.
To be able to adapt is definitely a boon. Occasionally, it is the best option to go against the tide. Learning lessons the hard way or through experience will always be the best teacher. I have learnt to see through your humble, friendly aesthetics to the ugly, calculative monster at your core. Why is it inexplicably hard to show a little kindness?
Call it disillusionment, if there is such a word. I will stick by my principles. They don't have to be blood relations or signing my paycheck for me to show some humanity. The windows to your soul reflect your disdain and reluctance although the sugar-coated words tumble from your mouth. When you start your sentence with, "Oh, I didn't realize..", don't mind me turning away to sneeze please. That is my defence mechanism against hypocrisy and insincerity. I am, after all, allergic to bullshit. Staying silent is no longer an option for me - you take that as my meek submission and attempt to trample all over me; even Napoleon had more tact.
You pretend that you are living the life akin to Gossip Girl, the O.C., 90210, etc. Look, if you cannot even make do with what you have now, do not think you are fit to dictate to me. However, this is my admission - you have taught me as much as you have given me reasons to dislike you. Sometimes I find myself swimming along and I dislike those occurrences. This is not a love-hate relationship; I still don't hold you in high esteem and most probably will not. I get what I came for and I will leave with no regrets.
Thank you for the lessons and the memories. No raining applause or flower showers for you. That will be all.
P/S: It has been a hectic month for me. I will try to update more often. I foresee later nights with the incoming assignments this month. It is easier to just wait for updates. My social media sites do not tell much either unless you like connecting the dots but please keep your views to yourself or ask, if you are curious. Do not make assumptions without basis. Spiteful games are best played as far away as possible from me.
To be able to adapt is definitely a boon. Occasionally, it is the best option to go against the tide. Learning lessons the hard way or through experience will always be the best teacher. I have learnt to see through your humble, friendly aesthetics to the ugly, calculative monster at your core. Why is it inexplicably hard to show a little kindness?
Call it disillusionment, if there is such a word. I will stick by my principles. They don't have to be blood relations or signing my paycheck for me to show some humanity. The windows to your soul reflect your disdain and reluctance although the sugar-coated words tumble from your mouth. When you start your sentence with, "Oh, I didn't realize..", don't mind me turning away to sneeze please. That is my defence mechanism against hypocrisy and insincerity. I am, after all, allergic to bullshit. Staying silent is no longer an option for me - you take that as my meek submission and attempt to trample all over me; even Napoleon had more tact.
You pretend that you are living the life akin to Gossip Girl, the O.C., 90210, etc. Look, if you cannot even make do with what you have now, do not think you are fit to dictate to me. However, this is my admission - you have taught me as much as you have given me reasons to dislike you. Sometimes I find myself swimming along and I dislike those occurrences. This is not a love-hate relationship; I still don't hold you in high esteem and most probably will not. I get what I came for and I will leave with no regrets.
Thank you for the lessons and the memories. No raining applause or flower showers for you. That will be all.
P/S: It has been a hectic month for me. I will try to update more often. I foresee later nights with the incoming assignments this month. It is easier to just wait for updates. My social media sites do not tell much either unless you like connecting the dots but please keep your views to yourself or ask, if you are curious. Do not make assumptions without basis. Spiteful games are best played as far away as possible from me.
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