Wishes & Hopes.

We all have that don't we? It's not just some little girl's 'thang' to do. I bet little boys do to.. And of course, not so little boys and not so little girls. It's the one thing that we unconsciously do when we want something or need something. It's like holding your breath and hoping that the ballerina completes her pirouette in her debut without breaking her knee. It's when you pray for that missing child to be safe from the clutches of paedophiles and serial killers. It's when you think your heartbeat will miss a beat when you get the results from a long wait. Then, the wishing and hoping is ended when you exhale deeply.

The wait is over.

Many say that once the wishing and hoping ends, everything is finished. In my opinion, it has just begun. When wishes and hopes end, reality kicks in and your effort as well as willpower is your sustenance. Praying of course, helps. However, you can only wish so hard that you'll find that new spunky phone under the Christmas tree come December 25th. Effort - gently and not no subtly reminding your parents that that phone is to die for and weren't they 15 before??

Wishing and hoping to obtain something you never thought possible is effortless, really. It's like an internal monologue you can have with yourself anytime and anywhere. You don't see people physically abusing themselves while wishing and hoping for something with a slim chance to obtain. However, this could turn for the worse when you don't get what you wish for and then you get page 2 news of individuals committing suicide. These people have no idea how lucky they are to be able to live that long. To throw it all away because they've had enough of the disappointments in their lives is simply an act of cowardice. Chin up. Back straight. Butt out. Go through the obstacles, damn it! If only these wasted lives will give those unlucky babies a chance to live again. Cowards..

Basically (I know this post seem is very short) in my opinion, it's a crime against humanity to waste water, food, and electricity. It's a crime against God, your parents, and YOURSELF to waste your life. Obstacles are meant to make you stronger and a better person in life. If you doubt so, think about those times you had to fight for something so hard you thought that you'd die from the effort. Think about the friends you stood by when others were against them. Think about the attempts you made to cycle that crappy bicycle without those training wheels after falling multiple times and thinking that you could just lift that piece of scrap metal up and dump it in a dustbin. Go 'The Hulk' to say the least.

Everyday, we fight for one thing. Bit by bit, we edge towards what we've all been looking for. Eventually, some find it. Others, they could be sitting neck deep in it and still not realise they have it.

So the real question here is, what are YOU fighting for?

Giving Up.

Such an easy thing to do. All you need to do is look at what others have better than you. What's the point in life then?

Fighting for something is even harder. Maybe I'll do that..

Or maybe I won't.

I've got time to decide. Until the last day, let's see how things go.

Because..

... I know the differences.
... I understand the gullibility of my heart.
... I can see that you think me a kid.
... I acknowledge that romantic idiot in me.
... I believe that nothing is impossible.
... I cannot take another shattered glass.
... I am beginning to think about you constantly.
... I yearn for that thing you do.
... I may start crying for you.
... I promised myself that I will not let history repeat itself.
... I kept looking around just to have a glimpse of you.
... I have not fallen for you.
... I will find someone who is truly meant for me.
... I know the world will never stop spinning.
... I have the heart of a woman.

If this is what it will take for me to see the bigger picture, I will do it.

No more false hopes and monologues.
No more harbouring secret wishes.
No more thoughts.
No more conversations.
No more will I care.

Don't betray me. Stay still while I lay on the pillow and drift away.

Solid? Liquid? Gas? Gut?

I believe this thing doesn’t let you know when you’ve had it. It settles in you and before you can do anything against it, you’re diseased. All of us treat it like wild creepers – so long as it doesn’t grow over the wall, why bother hacking it away? Then one fine day, it’s too late. The vine has gone over and it’s disastrously difficult to get rid of. Pulling at it only leaves you with bloody hands prickled by those awful thorns. You try some weed killer but apparently resilience happens to be its’ middle name. Out of ideas, you think, let it be. It’ll look like a natural garden decoration.

So it grows wild and free, and before you know it, you’re forced to do something about it – hack it, burn it, trim it or even spend hundreds or thousands of green on it to make it turn in your favour. Before your hair grows an inch, it’s back with a vengeance on your energy, effort, and most probable of all – money.

We don’t actually seek this thing out. Some actively do actually and they go through all sorts to get it. Some get this unknown high and settle for happily ever after. Realists realize (hence being called realists) that you still have shit to go through with this thing but they look at the pros at the end of the day and maybe the perks too. Personally, I had a piece of advice given to me that if I don’t seek it out, it’ll come to me eventually at its’ own pace.

It starts with fondness, unknown affections, and then you end up enamoured. Obsession may also be the end result if this thing isn’t handled with a sound mind or an ounce of logic. Then again, this thing has been given credit to make a person blind, make the world go round, and even change a man’s life. If you still can’t figure out what I’m talking about, it’s a 4-letter word that does NOT start with the letter F.

Maybe the reason why I’m writing about it is because I’m sick of people taking it lightly. I’m sick of people who play games in the name of this thing. I dislike people who say it to anyone just to get what they want or to get laid. Mostly, I hate people who take it for granted and abuse the privilege given to them by this thing. You still won’t be able to walk naked in -40°C though you have the intention when you have it, so use that God-given brain of yours to think.

There is this wonderfully talented and young singer who was discovered by Oprah, who sang a song titled ‘A note to God’. Unlike my annual imaginary letter to Santa, I wish I could deliver a note to mentioned, awesome person. I can settle with Post-Its too..

I’m still figuring out what I’m meant to do with my life. However, I know that no matter what hundreds of books tell me the ‘in’ thing or right thing to do is, I’ll do it my way, my style. I can think for myself and I don’t need to adopt the practice of another to end up lying to my true self. If you can’t accept me for who I am or treat me like an umbrella that’ll shelter you from rain and wind ALL the time, kindly get adopted by a female gorilla or admit yourself into a mental facility.

I heard both of these options offer you a lifetime of security and protection. Sounds better than insurance, no?

4 Parts + 1 Brick Wall

It's been a funny day. There is no other way to describe it. To elaborate would bore you. Having 2 colleagues on MC within a small group is crazy. Alternating between 2 positions is confusing. I'm very sure I screwed up today. My turn in the queue of people for my boss to have a go at is coming pretty soon. The confusions today would have driven even Einstein to miscalculate his bus fare . However, I'm pretty sure I messed up something. It's like an itch you feel happening but hasn't happened yet.


If I was being monitored today, hooray, I'll definitely fail. Heck, the customers knew I wasn't in sound mind today and asked me, no, treated me like I needed help.


Customer: Ok, so what happens now is that I will sign in with my email right?
Yours truly: No, sir. You have to sign in with your user ID first before..
Customer: Yea, yea. I get what you mean. Then I sign in with my email when I get the reset password. Ok?
Yours truly: You have to sign in with the user ID first sir, then only you get to switch to the email ID. *punches air*
Customer: Ah, ok. So I put in my user ID and I'll get to switch it to the email address, right?
Yours truly: Absolutely right sir. Then, they will prompt you to do the switch. *thanks God*
Customer: Right. So my email address will be in the system automatically. So everytime I want to sign in I will have to use my user ID and email address? Hmm..
Yours truly: *gritting teeth and taking deep breaths*

Customer: I'm already in the website.
Yours truly: Ok madam. Please sign in first.
Customer: Done. *smugly* What next?
Yours truly: Do you see the 'Pay Bills' option at the top?
Customer: Top? It's just *bleep*, *bleep*, *bleep* and *bleep*.
Yours truly: Are you at *bleep*'s website madam?
Customer: Yes, yes. *annoyed*
Yours truly: Are you at www.*bleep*.com.my?
Customer: Oh, hold on. Let me get there. *momentary pause* Ok, now?
Yours truly: Yes, sign in to your account.
Customer: Ok. Can I have the username and password?
Yours truly: I'm sorry madam but we don't have the information for that. Have you registered for online banking with *bleep*?
Customer: I have to do that? No, I didn't. So?

Customer: I want to know where my card is.
Yours truly: Can I have your details first miss?
Customer: I requested for a replacement. It's not here yet. How long does it take for you guys to do it?
Yours truly: *checking* I'm sorry miss but no replacement request was made by you.
Customer: What do you mean no replacement??? I fax and email the form in to you so many times!!
Yours truly: I apologize miss. Do you remember who you spoke with? Did they promise you an immediate reply?
Customer: I got the reply by email that I would have gotten it in 3 days! It's been more than 2 months! What's going on??
Yours truly: That is the automated reply for you to receive a call or email from us miss.

Intense would have been an understatement. Then, my dad surprised me by coming to pick me up from work.

*on the phone*
Yours truly: Where are you?
Pa: At the traffic light. Where are you??
Yours truly: I'm at the bus stand. I don't see your car. *swivels head like mad*
Pa: AT THE TRAFFIC LIGHT. It's right across your building!
Yours truly: You know where my building is..? *remembers his previous failed attempt to locate the building*
Pa: Yes. I'm at the traffic light at the corner of Jalan P Ramlee and Jalan *bleep*.
Yours truly: Where is Jalan *bleep*?
Pa: The entrance to KLCC is right beside the car! I have my car signal on!
Yours truly: Err.. *squints eyes* Ah, I think I see you.
Pa: How many traffic lights are there??
Yours truly: One in front of you and 2 at your back..?
Pa: *calms down* Ish, told you right, opposite your building.
Yours truly: How'd I know that you know where my building is?

He subsequently developed a fever while in the car. I promise you, I wasn't praying or wishing anything like that. All I could think of was about bread. Then we made a stop at Guardian for some ActiveFast. We don't seem to have any sort of medication at home. Lots of chinese herbs though.. Dad was in Guardian for a while and joined me at King's to get some bread.

Pa: Here. *hands plastic bag*
Yours truly: What's that? *eyes suspiciously - what would a father get his daughter from a pharmacy?*
Pa: You and Mae each take one. It's a pepper spray.
Yours truly: *speechless* Huh?

*in the car*
Pa: Take one each. Don't forget to pass to Mae.
Yours truly: Ok.
Pa: Don't simply use it.
Yours truly: *wonders how one can simply use a pepper spray*
Pa: It costs me RM*bleep* each.
Yours truly: O_o''
Pa: Make sure when you're walking in a car park, hold it in your hand. Any unknown guy walks up to you just use it in his face and kick his balls. Then run.
Yours truly: O_O??

My parents have a tendency of saying the right things at the right time. It's not superstition or deja vu, trust me. I've observe the both of them enough to take a warning when they give one. It is NOT cool either. I don't want to use a pepper spray cos I was spooked by a guy walking towards me to get to the paying machine for the parking ticket that I just walked past! Plus, I'm sure I'd leave permanent damage.

Mae laughed hard when I told her that. I couldn't even manage a giggle. I was am tired. Speaking of which, it's Matthew's birthday tomorrow. Got to get him something by tomorrow evening. Plus, he introduced me to PETS. I think it's brilliant. I wish I could watch it everyday to cheer me up. I am also wasting my time wishing that we could have screenings of those in Malaysia. We don't even have reruns of Family Guy or South Park. What more PETS.. *sigh*

PS: Classified information = *bleep* If you're smart enough, you'll piece up the pieces on your own. Au revoir!

Spoon!

I'm no good when it comes to thinking of 5 words or less for a description. Take for example the title of this post. I could reuse rantings, babble or even update. I suck at one liners too.

This post's title is a tribute to the mad hare in Alice In Wonderland the movie. I laughed so hard at the tea party scene I thought the cinema ushers would have man-handled me out. Unfortunately for you, I had no such story to tell.

There is this poster in this underground tunnel somewhere that I pass every week that states,

In life, I have friends. In the net, I have an audience.

It was an advertisement for bloggers under a particular broadband provider who's well-known for using the colour green. So my dear audience, I don't produce or publish the best entertainment around. Do not mind-psyche me to write posts. I only do updates. Entertainment can be found at Google or Youtube. Choose your pick.

Speaking of which, my first real, salaried job is at a call centre. Remember all those times I used to mention that I'd die doing a job that requires me to sit on my fat bottoms all day long facing a computer? It wasn't so bad at first. Now that a month has passed, I need the exercise. Soon enough, I'll fit perfectly into a 2-seater Smart car with no extra space.

STPM results was unexpectedly good. 1 A, 2 A- and 1 B+ was better than I expect. Even more so was the 3.67/4.00 pointer.

Congrats! So, what's next?
University of course but currently work to collect money.

Ah, what course are you looking at?
Communications and sociology. Leaning more towards communications though.

Oooh!! Where are you thinking of applying to?
Public universities, maybe HELP and *mumbles* Singapore.

Seriously??!! OMG, I hope you get it! When will you know the results?
Ha-ha. Yeah, thanks. Maybe in May.. *gets interupted*

You have to keep in touch! That'll be so exciting.. Have you planned what you're going to do there?
Yeah. Study, get a scholarship, keep an average or 3.5/5.0 pointer. Boring stuff.. *fidget*

Aww. I'm gonna miss you! Maybe someday we/I will be able to come down visit you.. *drones on*
*spaces out*

Tis the season every year for SPM/STPM/A-levels/Matriks students. Thanks for all the well wishes and good lucks. Oh, not to forget all the prayers too.

I'm out of interesting things to say. I'm making myself bored of me. By the way, have you heard? Universal Studios has opened in Singapore. Looking forward to dinner with my godpa, auntie, Jacq, Jill and dear ol' Matthew tonight!

This is a special shoutout to everyone in Chambersburg, PA. If you're not from there, this is where you stop reading, nosy. I miss you guys! I really wish that I can go back soon and give everyone of you a big hug. Unfortunately, God has something planned for me. I'm sure in His time, I'll be able to see everyone of you again. Know that all of you are always not far from my thoughts and prayers. I love you all!

Bull Feces.

Man argued in the States to get God out of the school. No Bibles in school, no crucifix or rosaries in lockers and no daily prayers before kids recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Fair enough for me.

Man argued in Malaysia for exclusivity to use the name of God. Some Muslims argues that the name of God in Islam, A word, is solely for Muslims to use and non-Muslims are not allowed to use it verbally or in writing.

This argument, if you are living in Malaysia you can skip this paragraph, came about when Archbishop Murphy Pakiam was served a ban by the Home Ministry for usage of the A word in the Herald’s publication. The Herald is a weekly Catholic paper publication distributed for sale within Catholic churches that contain articles in the English, Bahasa, Chinese, and Tamil languages. Now, arguments have escalated from the mere ban of a word in a paper, to a ban on ALL non-Muslims using words which are associated with Islam.

Quoted from an article, 25 words and 10 expressions are protected under the ban. In another state, as many as 33 words and 15 expressions are under the ban.

Being a mere 19 years of age, my opinion doesn’t matter. I’m just a child exposed to matters concerning adults and the welfare of the nation. In short, I’m a worm in a world of dragons. I’ve read the blogs of famous icons in this country regarding this issue. I’ve seen interviews conducted and articles written of this issue. Matters of religion are sensitive and mere arguments can and has resulted in the damaging of places of worship. In the end, my opinion matters not to officials and big-shots that have the last say in everything.

I am disgusted, disappointed, and sick of the circus coming out of this issue. Why should I bother? I should just live my life as a law-abiding citizen and go through the motions of everyday life. I cannot do that. I cannot grow up in a country that has the leaders thinking it is their right to argue for God. I cannot risk my children coming home one day from school with a fine for using the A word in school to satisfy their curiosity. I cannot live in a country where when religious issues are brought to light, the torching of places of worship happens.

I am not disillusioned. There is no perfect place in this world but there comes a point where it is really too much. I love my God. Why can’t everybody accept the fact that at the end of the day, when you die, we return to our Maker. Not Makers but ONE maker. I do not think there is a Christian Maker, Muslim Maker, Indian Maker or Chinese Maker. We may worship differently but every single human on Earth will one day leave this place. Do you think you get to control where you end up in when you’re dead? Do you suppose arguing about ‘the exclusivity of my religion’ is going to place you in a higher level of heaven? No, you moron. It shouldn’t take a person back from the dead to tell you that either.

Many parents are doing their children injustice by arguing that they’ll be confused when non-Muslims are allowed to use the A word. Do you think children are that stupid? Are you dictating what your children should and shouldn’t think for themselves? I am insulted if my parents so as much give hints to such thoughts. I may or may not die with the religion I was born into. The clarity of my soul and faith is something between my God and me. I do not need my mama breathing down my neck to dictate my faith. My soul is mine.

Please tell me then, what should a Moral teacher say when we learn about the different beliefs in our country?

Teacher: Kita ada Buddha, Tuhan Ganesha, Jesus Christ, dan Tuhan.
Student: Tuhan?
Teacher: Ya, Tuhan orang Islam juga dikenali sebagai Tuhan.
Teacher: We have Buddha, Lord Ganesha, Jesus Christ, and God.
Student: God?
Teacher: Yes, the Muslim God is also known as God.

Does anyone besides me see how confusing this is? Does anyone realize how many textbooks in Malaysia will have to be reprinted? How many will have to be given back to publishers or burnt? Will we have textbooks for Muslim students and non-Muslim students then? Or will non-Muslim students not learn about the religion of Islam? Will we replace the A word with He-whose-name-we-cannot-say in conversations? UTTERLY RIDICULOUS!

I can see Voldemort turning in his fictional grave. Another name invokes more fear than his.

Starting 2010.

Despite the title, I must give credit to 2009 for ending marvellously. I had so much fun celebrating the fact that I’m DONE with high school and I could do whatever shit I wanted; with a Cinderella curfew of course. Apparently even celebrations don’t forget that you’re girl in a dangerous world at night.

Christmas for the 2nd year in a row was celebrated with only my immediate family. I wanted to hang out with Jill and Val but Christmas is for family bonding so off I went to Gambang. If you don’t know where that is, it’s 30 minutes away from Kuantan town. Go Google Map it la lazy ass.

Disappointingly, this was the first year I didn’t enjoy Christmas mass. I didn’t even take communion. It was impossible to concentrate with parents’ being noisier than their kids who were running around the church premise. Irony:

*child running around chuckling*
Parent: *loud obnoxious voice* Stop making so much noise! SHHHH!!

Then came the highlight of my night, this handsome hero who swept me off my feet and planted a smile on my face for the entire weekend.

Hero: *hands clasped together in Indian greeting fashion and going around to everyone outside church building at midnight* Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Yours Truly: *smiles expectantly at her turn to be greeted*
Hero: *grins* Merry Christmas!
Yours Truly: Aww. Merry Christmas to you too!
Ma: *laughs* Ask him if you can give him a kiss.
Yours Truly: *grins while waiting for dear hero to turn around* *motions for hero to come closer*
Hero: *smiles* Yes?
Yours Truly: Can I give you a kiss?
Hero: *looks up at yours truly at 170 cm with heels on* But you so big la! *pausing in between words to nod head like decorative head-bobbing dolls do*
Yours Truly: *bends down and kisses both of hero’s cheeks*
Hero: *squeals in delight and laughs his 70cm self all the way back to his mother’s arms*

Have I mentioned how much I love kids? *grins* So my Christmas was saved most unexpectedly.

So the 4th club I entered in my life was Mist on 30th December. The drive was all right. Found good parking between the Nanyang Press and NSTP buildings. Felt that a good time was coming up because of the joviality in the air with the presence of Mae, Azril, Sue, Rodney and Chipmunk. We had reservations, everyone got in free even under-aged kiddo and the evening began.

I recommend the pink martini, vodka lime and tequila. Yummy stuff but I only a little of each because I was designated driver, hence, I couldn’t get drunk. Poor Chipmunk. If he wasn’t a dude, he could have gotten pissed drunk but he couldn’t because he wasn’t entitled to free drinks. Never mind kid. Better luck next time.

It was an enjoyable night though the club had a water-cut. Of course they provided water in the toilet through big containers. Best thing that happened that night – Mae and Sue got drunk. It was hilarious. One was so off her mind and the other puked constantly.

Drunken Girl #1: Hey, white guy! I should sooooooo go say hi or something. *giggles*
Yours Truly: As if.
Rodney: Yeah, he’s cute right?
Azril: *laughing at drunken girl #1* You sure you wanna do that?
Drunken Girl #1: Yes, why not? Hey, hey, I wanna know you. *hands flailing towards white guy’s direction*
Yours Truly: Dei, not so loud la. You want him to come over?
Drunken Girl #1: Hey, what’s your name?
*white guy’s friend turns with a frown*
Drunken Girl #1: *ducks head behind yours truly* Oops! *giggles harder*
Azril and Rodney: *laughing*
Yours Truly: Oh brother..

Drunken Girl #1: Hey, I wanna go dance!
Yours Truly: You serious? *watches her sway on feet*
Drunken Girl #1: Yea! Rodney and Azril are there!
Yours Truly: They’re in the toilet.
Drunken Girl #1: Oh.. *sits back down and puts head on table next to drunken girl #2 for a cat-nap*

Drunken Girl #2: *looks at air around her*
Friend: Are you ok?
Drunken Girl #2: Yeah, I’m fine. *head on table* *gets up and heads to toilet*

Friend: You sure you’re all right?
Drunken Girl #2: Yes la. *irritated* Stop asking. *gets up and heads to toilet*

Drunken Girl #2: *sits down on stool from another toilet trip*
Friend: Hey, you ok? *holds arm*
Drunken Girl #2: *glares the best she could drunkenly, pushes hand away, head back on table*

It was funny. Really, it was. Plus Mae and Rodney had a short argument about who spotted the white guy first which Rodney won. Fun was another word too. Rodney, Azril and I had this threesome start-off dance which FINALLY prompted those useless dicks at the side of the dance floor to start grooving ON the dance floor. Plus this girl in a red top was trying to get Rodney to dance dirty with her but too bad for her, Rodney just wasn’t interested. *evil smirk* Plus, I think I saw a famous TV3 field-reporter standing beside our table too.

We left early cos 3 of our entourage wouldn’t dance and with only 3 left, we decided McDonald’s it is to hang out and chat. Approximately 3.30am, we left due to a power-cut. What a shame.. We were enjoying our conversations which were getting a ‘lil too much for Chipmunk to handle. I wonder if he’s thoroughly corrupted now, that little boy.

The coming of New Year saw Mae and yours truly watching Sherlock Holmes. It was bloody good, IS and will be for you when you view it. Warning, you have to listen to them talking to get half the humour. Then we joined Azril, Rodney, Sue and Danielle at some cheap imitation of a club at Era Square and decided to head out to A&W for some American fast-food at 1a.m.

2nd day of 2010, we (Mae, Azril, Sue, yours truly, Jill and Val) met up at mamak for some drinks and to hold intelligent conversations. Sue of course had something else in mind. After I exclaimed at the bruise that Mae left on her right arm and turned around to listen to Jill enlighten me with some rumour, Sue decided to bite me on the back of the left shoulder. Until the post is published, the ugly bruise is still glaring to the eye in shades of red spots and black.

Ma: What IS that?
Yours Truly: Oh, Sue bit me at the mamak.
Ma: *frowns* Go and wash it.
Yours Truly: Yeah, it could be infected right? I know.

Dear rabid Sue, hope you enjoyed that bruise Mae gave you! BLEH.

My resume has been sent out and all I have to do is wait for prospective employers to call me for an interview. I’m hoping so. If it doesn’t turn out that way, I’ll work with my dad. Speaking of which..

Yours Truly: *sees pa calling* Hello?
Pa: Girl, where’s the camera charger?
Yours Truly: I don’t know. I haven’t seen it for months.
Pa: Know how to use but don’t know how to put it back! Get back home now and find it out.
Yours Truly: *hangs up and mutters* Which part of months he doesn’t understand? Put back where exactly anyways?
Val: What’s up?
Yours Truly: My dad called to ask me where the camera charger is.
Jill: *chuckles* He thinks you’re the lost and found desk is it?
Yours Truly: *laughs* He does. I gotta go. Be back as soon as I find it. *leaves mamak*

So here I am now in the 6th day of the new year and tomorrow I’ll be having a date with Shaffer Chimere Smith! I’m so excited my hands can start trembling if I think about it. Plus, I won an autographed copy of the album Year of The Gentleman from fly.fm. Excited doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings. So it’s off to Ne-Yo’s concert tomorrow!

Price of ticket: RM170
Venue: Sunway Lagoon Surf Beach
Concert Starting: 8.30pm
Outfit: Articles from wardrobe
Time of Departure: 3.30pm
Companions: Mae (who will meet up with Azril and Sue for a movie while I enjoy the concert)
Feelings and Satisfaction: PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My first paid-for concert for an artist who I admire. How can I not be over the moon for this? I heard there’s an opening act by Najwa Mahiaddin, a Malaysian jazz artist. Also, opening act by Jadyn Maria, the first artist to sign up with Ne-Yo’s recording company who’s also following him in his Year of The Gentleman tour. Still contemplating taking pictures and dressing up. It’s good that Anne will be there although she admitted she’s no Ne-Yo fan. Her friend won 3 tickets worth RM260 from fly.fm and asked her along. Bitter? No, just slightly jealous but nothing’s fair in this world. At least I have company in there.

This is getting too long. Now be happy for me. I’m going to extremely delirious tomorrow. I’ll hit that flaming giant ball in the center of this solar system if I could go to Creations 2010.

20 – 20.10.2010: 289 days

Random facts.

1. I'm done with all national examinations associated with high school.
2. The best of friends could have the worst of issues.
3. If you're not married to someone, STOP acting like you are! (I'm not referring to you Matthew dear. You're ALMOST family. ;P)
4. Having so much to do socially isn't VERY fun like some people say.
5. Exchanging stories about friends isn't the same with gossiping about people you know.
6. I like secrets but I don't share them.
7. Reading people isn't very hard.
8. I really hate cigarettes and its fumes.
9. Keep saying only love makes the world go round and I dare you to live without money for a month.
10. It's all work from now until March.

It's interesting how sometimes you think you know someone and one day you find out even more about the person. It comes to show that there is so much to learn about an individual that not even a couple married for 50 years may know each other through and through. This past month with STPM examinations going on has been quite rough. Academically, there wasn't an issue. It was the people and events taking place around me that really threatened to send me over the brink.

Firstly, dear beloved Heather Stouffer passed away a week before my examinations started. It is very hard for someone to lose a person you love so much half way around the world and not able to attend the funeral or even lay a flower down on the ground for him/her. I miss her so badly I thought I wouldn't be able to concentrate and study. Somehow, someone was keeping an eye on me. I turned up for the last day of school and the school counsellor gave a talk. I remember this particular line that she said to all the form 6 students who were there,

"There may be things that happen that causes sadness and grief to you. Push it aside first. Concentrate on your exam. You can come back to it and deal with it better after you are finished with your papers. You have worked so hard for 2 years. Don't let it go to waste."

It hit me so hard it made running into a wall dimmer by comparison. With 3 days left to go, I resumed my pace with Him gently nudging me in the right direction.

Then, Mae had problems with college. She was stressed to the max and she was on this murderous, raging spree if I could come close to describing it. I wished I could be there as much as I wanted to but everything turned out all right in the end. She's one tough cookie though she's all soft and chocolate-y on the inside. Yummy..

Friendship issues were next to pop up. I'm not referring to my friendship relations, Mae's or anyone but the events that took place made me take a step back to reassess my point of view on the word friend. It is still on-going and I truly wonder sometimes, will we mere human be able to fully understand something in black and white? Why do I see so much grey area?

With all these happening and facing books of facts to remember, it sure was a handful. I could go on and on about how God was there for me and guiding me to the end but I will sum it up. Thank you Lord. I can't put it any better.

I know people USUALLY do this whole monologue thing after the results are out and you KNOW how the monologue goes because you know what sort of result they've gotten. I won't conform and I'm confident in this knowledge. What knowledge? I'm sure that my results will reflect all the hard work I've put into form 6 since 2008. It has been 2 years full of trials and obstacles. Along the way, I've learnt some hard lessons and have been put in place.

Results will be good and I will be able to fulfill the purpose of my life. I do not ask for riches nor do I ask for a penthouse filled with everything I could ever want (though it would be nice). All I want is to see my parents' faces when I show them my results. SPM was a failure I admit and I'm sure I have redeemed myself with STPM.

So please, oh please, oh please, oh please, PLEASE, pleeeeeeeease, pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee let my results be good.

By the way, Christmas is on the way. Done your shopping yet? I'm 80% done and torturing Mae about her Christmas present is simply amazing. Anybody interested in perfecting their present wrapping skills?

5 months ago
Pa: Do you want a Viva?
Yours truly: No, I want our Viva back.

2 months ago
Pa: I'll get another Viva.
Yours truly: Nevermind la. Why go through all the hassle? *secretly hoping*

Now
Peter: When did you change the car? Didn't you have like a Viva or something?
Yours truly: A couple of months back. Oh yea, have you ... *new topic which isn't any of your business*

Publish Time: 11:30 PM

This is a superfuckingmassive update. Do not say you weren’t warned.

Today, I’ve successfully created a mountain-high pile of eraser rubbings, answered 10 Math questions and read an interesting email from my mother.

Yesterday, my emotions made me crazy and I dreamt 3 separate dreams which boosted my feelings of success and something else...

On Halloween, I attended my first ever concert (The All American Rejects), stood for almost 7 hours straight, drank 7 cans of drinks, peed in a portable plastic toilet booth and couldn’t sleep from the amazing ringing and headache received from standing right in front of many loudspeakers.

The eve of Halloween saw my first Halloween costume party, a text message calling for holy hour during the party, wonderful cupcakes, my first “You’re hot” compliment verbally received and my cackles in the haunted house. I felt a hand moving up my left leg while moving through the rows of chairs and “I shaved today! HAH!” almost spewed out.

Somewhere in October, I went to my first fun fair with Jill. It sucked. It was expensive. It was bloody lame. I should have gone 10 years ago.

I should be studying. It’s an effort to move from here to the table though. I’m cheating on the exercises. I peek at the answers then I write my answers out. God will punish me for not utilizing my brains to its fullest. I KNOW! But I also know He’s helping me in small ways.

I want to write about something interesting but I take time, which I don’t have now. I’m not a wonderful writer. I can’t whip a piece of writing out like I do fried eggs. I’m handicapped in that area. I’ve never had my fiction work published. My first came out 2 weeks ago at the back of my form 6 memory book. The ending wasn’t to my liking. ‘Someone’ I know modified it. I don’t like him. He thinks he’s the local likeness of Amir Khan at 20. And he nags. TOO MUCH.

At this point of my life, I’m worried that my hand will shiver when I hold the pen next week. I contemplate the odds of sitting for an exam in a hospital. I push away all thoughts of filling up forms for universities, scholarships, and loans. I talked to my mum about application to a famous local university and applying for an international scholarship.

Ma: Huh? What’s the point of entering in July when you’re applying for an international scholarship? *pauses for A FEW seconds* If you do well?
Yours truly: I’ll apply for the January 2011 international intake. I have 3 months before the public university intake. I’ll phone them and what not.

So my ma has that much confidence that I’ll do well for this exam. Well, I do too! Somehow that certainty dies with thoughts of studying abroad. I tell myself though, I will visit mum, the brats and everyone in Christian Life Assembly next year! Then Joyce reminds me of the visa interview. Shit. My ma and I also talked about hotel politics for a moment. Then, we got distracted by participants from JHEAT. Sounds cool and flirtatious right? It’s the acronyms for Jabatan Hal Ehwal Agama Terengganu.

I see Isaac arranging something on the living room floor through the door crack. Interesting... Dominoes? Possibly. I’ll go check on him and get back to the set of Math questions. I just remember that I came across something which intrigued me on Facebook. I’m not sure what my feelings are on it. It’s a jumble. I should not think much about it which I did. Now, I should do it again. My world is topsy turvy or rather; my mind is at the moment. I don’t have a good line to end this post with. *sigh*