I remember posting once about how a second, a minute, or a month feels in different situations. Or did I read about that? It has been exactly a month since I decided to get myself out of a downward spiral that started off innocently enough with the thought, I am enough.
I am not refuting the truth in that sentence. You should love who you are - physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Love all the dimensions of you.
No one else will have that scar.
No one else carries the crazy swath of stretch marks on your thighs.
No one else has the streaks of coloured hues in your eyes.
No one else has the freckles on your back.
No one else hears the voice in your head.
No one else feels that crushing hope in your heart.
No one else suffers through the pain that made you stronger.
What sparked this? Yet another tough lesson I had to learn from life. It was difficult and a challenge to myself to practice what I preached. Boy, was it hard.
In retrospect, I dismissed my weekly progress as slow and insignificant.
How is losing 1kg this week even an achievement? *snorts in contempt* Just you wait, it's coming back!
Surprise, surprise. The 1kg didn't return to me or came back up on the scale the next week.
So brisk walks came into the picture and when I was sure that errant kg was coming back after the first buffet, guilt ate away at me. I took another brisk walk a day before meeting my coach. My heart was pounding when I had to step on the scale for the end of week 2. I refused to look at the statistics until every measurement was taken.
Another kg was gone.
Those who know me, know that a month doesn’t pass without me experiencing some sort of injury. An old injury flared which resulted in an MRI appointment and a verdict of a worn down knee cartilage, causing my kneecap and thigh bone to rub against each other obscenely. Did Romeo and Juliet decide to reincarnate in my bones? Bad life choices guys. Really. Recuperation time: 6 weeks to 3 months minimum. Spectacular. Let’s tuck away the brisk walks back in your dreams.
By week 3, a lunch meet: This is it. The kgs are coming back.
Again, I was mistaken. Right. Move along now. I might as well go on to the next week and whaddya know? Another buffet came right up and made its way down my throat. Guilt came knocking on the door but I ignored it and decided that I had work to do. Subconscious can go play with some brain neurons while I adult.
Exactly 30 days later, I stepped on the scale and pat myself on the back for surviving this long without starving myself. Comparing Day 1 and Day 31’s statistics:
- Weight loss of 5.6kg.
- BMI dropped from 32.5 to 30.5.
- Waistline decreased by 8cm.
Oh-ho! All that 1s finally added up. Yes, it's anoying to walk now because my work pants keep sliding down in the mornings when I commute to work.
I wasn't sure how to handle being wrong. How does one bow out graciously? What does one do with that burst of energy that came from your gleefully bouncing mind? Most importantly, what do you say? What do you tell yourself?
Whenever someone speaks about losing 10-12kg in 3 months or 21kg in 6 months, it seems like a short time. It’s do-able! It’s the determination of champions! Time will fly by so fast! You’re invigorated to try their methods and yes, let’s start tomorrow!
What your mind skips over is that you have to get through each day. That you have 90 days in 3 months and 24 hours in a day. The numbers doesn’t hit you until you have to get through every 3 hours, trying to keep to a meal plan as well as having to make a decision between heading home to relax on the bed with your phone or going to the gym to perspire and drain the last of your energy before you crawl home in a daze. Whose brilliant idea was this again? Scumbag brain!
When you travel, you will inevitably need help along the way. Life does that to you. Whether you accept that fact with an open mind or a hardened heart, your journey continues but what you reach in the end will differ.
Choosing to seek help was awkward and difficult at first. It took me a year to muster the courage to face that fact and ask. True enough, ask and you shall receive. Or for some, ask and the universe will answer you.
My coaches not only helped and encouraged me, they had a whole family/team behind them who did the same. I wasn’t sure at first and it took me a while to open up to a group of strangers on something so personal to me. Those were my baby steps and I learnt valuable lessons along the way; some I will carry with me for life.
I had a goal for July but plans changed and it seems like the challenge for me is now brought forward to June. That competitive streak in me is raring to go and so, WHY NOT?
p/s: If you're cringing at how cynical I am, don't be. I am grateful for that voice. It has taught me to be kinder and more understanding. It has saved me on countless occasions as well.