Lest We Forget..

Christmas is not about the gifts or the decorations.

Try doing a good deed instead without monetary, physical or any type of returns.

No Closing.

With December comes all the pretty photos with hopeful wishes of it being the last month and hopefully the best or the happy ones of Christmas tidings. For yours truly, it is just a month where I realise how long the road in my learning growth still runs.

I do not regret the opportunities I took nor the experiences I lived and yet, I am still aware that I lack much. Foremost, I wish I had taken learning Chinese seriously when I was younger. Ethnically Chinese with no mixed heritage in the past (five, at least) generations, it boggles people when I say I am Chinese yet can only converse in Cantonese and passable Mandarin and fail utterly at reading or writing anything aside from modern alphabets and Korean alphabets. I believe that I am still capable of learning a new language but it is an endeavour that needs dedication and an honest pursuit to be fruitful; both of which is absent in me.

Having accomplished a complete certificate with ABRSM for piano, I have barely touched the piano in the last 7 years of my life. I picked up guitar until a back injury kept me out for 2 months and I never returned to continue the lessons. The gu-zheng was a one-year affair before my pursuit of a degree placed a halt to it. And the violin? I have always sighed inwardly whenever I hear or see one because it is an instrument that these stiff fingers can no longer coerce to sing for me. The bass is a new-found interest but accepting how my attention can die within any period of time, I push away whisperings of intent.

Have my desire to learn more of the unknown wane? Am I a Jack of all trades and master of none? Comparing ones' skills to those around you is to compare players at different level of expertise. There is no level playground as we are not mass-produced objects who have undergone QC before being released into the world. Our connections to society has shaped and created the individuals we have become today. Yet, we are always lusting after what another has and we are bereft of.

Opening a new chapter in my book is always a wonderful occasion and yet, like this post, I know not where I am heading to and what is my life's worth. Like my mind, it is a night of puzzling thoughts and endless questions with no clear conclusions until sleep robs me from my consciousness.

(Near) Serenity.

This trip home sure has mellowed me: I made desserts. Put myself on a healthy diet (yet still gorged on said desserts). Slept at least 12 hours a day. Picked up reading and listening to music again.

It's a bit of a shock to my system which has been on 'Drive' since 2010. Passing time and days has ceased to mean rushing or running to the next assignment or appointment in my day-to-day schedule. I wonder if journeying through the decades of your life makes you numb to your surroundings that you do not realise the race you have unwittingly joined until you are thrown out of it. After the initial shock (and lots of rough landing; imagine jumping out a moving car, oui?), there comes the numbness and maybe even quakes of terror that your life is going down the drain. Life stops and you feel like you've stepped off a very high cliff.

Always finding myself in these non-stop movements, I get disconcerted when I come to a halt. It makes me take note of my current predicament and it makes me depressed. Guilty of riding the wave, I become less humane to my surroundings and everything becomes a blur of secular values. Nothing becomes enough and like an addict, I search for the next hit. No, I don't do drugs and will only do so at the threat of physical decapitation or some dear to me will come after me to finish me off and there will be a queue. I'm not sure which thought scares me more..

So we run to the next plan in our itinerary. We rush to squeeze as much work in a day to be productive. We fill up our daily planners to ensure we maximise our 24 hours. Yet, have we ever stop to think that maybe, a whole day or weekend (I can hear some of you going "God/Heaven forbid! What nonsense??" so calm your tits) without any pre-made plans is what we need? I have heard of some individuals who turn off work so well, that weekends are holidays for their minds, bodies and souls. And you know what? These individuals are happy and successful. They may not make much a month and they may have health problems but they are contented with life without turning to cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, clubs, bars, promiscuous sex or a rumbustious social life.

When have you truly taken time to listen to yourself and ask, what truly makes you happy that even the thought of it puts a smile on your face? I found myself grinning like an idiot during dinner one night when reminiscing about the fun times I had when I was a student. I remembered being utterly excited for a reverse bungee and singing all the way. I remembered leading a group of girls for marching practises. I remembered going for exchange with a bunch of amazing people and how it changed my view of the world. I remembered conversations with kids that made me love the thought of having one of my own. Luckily, my family was otherwise occupied with the food before us, otherwise I would have been at the end of a long questioning.

You see, the simple things are going to be forgotten one day. Now, I find it hard to recall certain memories even with photographs and conversations with friends and acquaintances. I asked myself, do I really want to forget these little things that made me sincerely happy? Sure, nothing beats walking across the stage to receive my degree from my faculty dean. Nothing beats being tossed into the air for 3 consecutive times by co-workers to celebrate my milestone in life (my knees still turn wobbly when I think about it..). 10 years down the road, will I remember this emotion that sends warmth spreading in my heart? I have found that the pictures taken in these happiest moments in my life was utterly beautiful, not because I have a crooked smile with a gaped hole in my teeth, not because I looked passably photogenic BUT because I could feel the joy emanating from every part of the few captured moments and I could remember the occasion. I do not doubt that there are more moments in life that will add to my collection of happy thoughts but I do not want to make space in my memory for them; I want to catch them all (I've always wanted to use this phrase) and keep them preserved for my own perusal until I reach my expiry date.

I remember promising myself many years ago, that I would embrace what life threw at me; I would not worry about tomorrow because (at the risk of sounding insanely holy, pious, religious, etc. but whatever dude, I believe in a higher power so deal with it) God has it all planned out. Many (especially Mae) asked me, why am I not worried about things in life? Why aren't I worrying about my plans? My answer: I tried worrying about it. I tried planning it so intricately I even had a 5-year plan once. Then, like always, I sat back and patiently watched and waited for the plans to work out (but most of you have no idea how often I want to give in to my desire to just take one step forward quickly all the time and not stay still).

You know what strikes me the hardest at the most opportune timings? God (or whomever/whatever you believe in) has a way of showing you that the best things in life comes to those who wait for it. Yes, there is that cliché that sometimes people miss the best things in life because they wait for better things to come. No, it's not those instances that I refer to here. I am referring about the beautiful sunset you saw although you were stuck behind a lorry moving at 40km/h on the road, the people who survived 9/11 because of a small deviation in their daily routine, waiting for the next turn in traffic lights that allowed you to bump into a friend who you have lost touch with, an amazing job offer that comes your way after a bad career track, etc.

My point of this post: You are responsible for what you feel. If you want to be happy, if you want to be free, if you want to experience that small piece of peace; pursue it, look for it. As Five For Fighting puts in so well in their song The Riddle, "There's a reason for the world; you and I."

On Vacation Until Further Notice.

Yes, I've graduated.
No, I've not been offered a job yet.
Yes, I am looking for a job.
No, I do not know which industry in particular.

In fact, I'm at home at this very moment, revelling in the fact that in 2 weeks, I am off for a family vacation! I wish I could tell you more but wait for some blog posts okay? I hope to start work in December or January so maybe this blog will be updated at a more acceptable frequency than what it is now.

I left Maple in Singapore due to the protests from Mae and Yuh Ting. I miss her so bloody much and they had better cuddle her as much as I would.

That aside, we are looking to adopt a puppy, preferably of the Chow Chow breed. Losing Kaka really left an impact on us all. We headed down to Jalan Templer in PJ last week to see a Chow Chow pup up for adoption. We're not sure if we will be getting her so if any of you know anyone who is putting Chow Chow pups for adoption, please do let me know.

Let Go.

2 words easier said than done. When you have to get rid of your demons or the boulders in your life, it becomes a long battle of will to win the war. Like all wars, you will never be the same at the end and yet, you survived, whether you won or lost. They say the road to healing is a long trek that is a journey in itself before you even start to heal. If you had to choose, wouldn't it be easier to choose to heal and move on instead of holding on to grudges that consume you from the inside out? Thank you to those who were there in my time of need.

Let go and live.

Bubble Pop.

Recently, yours truly have been shaken out of the little bubble which she made for herself. It was as eye-opening as the surety of the sun rising from the East. It is one thing to be aware of the facts of life. It is another matter to come face-to-face with reality, making your decision and praying it is the right thing to do; then, going on to living life to the best of your abilities.

Well, nobody said we were all Benjamin Button. We grow older and wiser (although some people are perpetually stuck in a period of their life). We make mistakes and hope that the best is yet to come.

In my mind, all I see is life with a really huge grin on its face, inching closer to my bubble with a sharp needle in hand to burst it. Oh, hurray.

It's Coming to an End.

3 years, just like that, have gone past.

In 2011, yours truly was an excited bundle of nerves. It was a new place and the excitement of an individual exploration was enough to die for. New people, new faces and new dreams were an addiction that thrived on the unknown and the possible.

In 2012, there was no end in sight. The lights, sounds and movements were one grey haze. Yours truly wondered if a year could ever pass by so long, would it be this? Learning was hard but it was necessary. Yours truly learnt that there was never an ending to learning. Even in the unknown and darkest moments, there was a lesson to be learnt.

Yet, now come 2013 and the world survived an assumed end of the world. It feels like a blink that after these 16 years as a student, it is coming to an end. The experience, while it lasted, was a taste you could only savour then and remember after. The people and places have become part of you no matter how much you deny and try to push them out. Time will tell for sure if one is now jaded.

In fact, someone unexpected shared a very beautiful story that just made that romantic in yours truly chuckle in the corner. Having parted with her first love for 24 years due to his family obligations, this strong lady never looked back and moved on with her life, searching for that which would make her stronger, better and happier. How would she have ever known that she would meet her first love again after becoming a happy woman? How could she have ever known that she could be happier? How could she expect that her first love waited for her, possibly believing in that love that they share? It is not to say that they have not loved and lost in that parting of 24 years, in fact, after 24 years, they understood love and lost. They saw what the world could offer and they never back down or compromise to what they wanted. To this wonderful lady, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! You will never know how much you have given to yours truly and thank you does not even begin to express this gift.

Looking back to that one night of shared stories, it has been a journey that feels very long but really short. Much has come and gone. More is to come and will pass too. 2013 feels like the end of a line, moving towards the starting dot to create a circle. When that circle is complete, another dot starts out in that white sheet of paper, encompassing this little circle of 16 years.

Responsibilities and untold possibilities are out there, waiting to be seized, waiting for you to hop into that boat. All yours truly want an answer to is: how have I lived?

One thing for sure, yours truly never wants to look back and hold on to memories and 'what ifs'.

Superficiality.

Artificial adoration would be the common theme that rings true. How would you expect anyone (especially girls) to settle for praises that only stem from when they are dolled up and temporarily attractive? This may not apply to all since there are a group of individuals who regard makeup an art form, to which they are an exception and not included in this reference.

That attraction you feel would evaporate when the masks come off and the natural (or ugly as some would say) is brought to light. Yes, some individuals are aesthetically blessed and have beautiful personalities. Yet, do you really know their stories and struggles? Do you think a pretty face is all a person has?

Time and time again I am repulsed (yes, REPULSED) by individuals who callously remark on the unappealing physical appearance of others. These shallow remarks are thoughtless and uncalled for. Wouldn't you like to be on the receiving end of these remarks? How would you feel then?

Don't assume that silence equate to assent. Perhaps society has become too uncaring to allow a humiliating remark to go unchecked. Yet, when news of such incidents appear on the web, netizens are quick to make the first morally correct statements. Your words should be as big as your actions; don't hasten to judge others if you would join the silent crowd.

Graciously accepting compliments is the polite thing to do. Don't presume that the receiver would reciprocate the gesture. Some people are honest and thoughtful enough to not lie to your face just to 'return the favour'.

Only when you have seen someone at their worst and best yet still think that they are one of the most attractive individuals you know inside and outside, will they accept your opinion and thank you honestly for it. Until then, keep or share your judgements with your frivolous posse; your opinions are worth squat.

Another Year.

End of the world?
Didn't happen.

Can't say I wasn't a bit disappointed. Was expecting some fireworks in the sky but a flood 3 days later was pretty funny. "Here. Here's some fun for you!"

Best wishes for the year ahead all ye who survived 21.12.2012. It's time to watch 2012 and say you survived all that crap. *tips hat in your direction*

Post-Rant.

There comes a point in everyone's lives where there is no turning back. You know the next step you take will change everything for you. No, I am not talking slap-in-the-face-world-fall-of-its-axis shock. It is the subtle changes that will grow even more with every passing day. It is in the smallest gestures that others consciously perform around you. It is the subconscious impact that you have left when you pass that point of no return (as how Christine and Raoul sings it in The Phantom of the Opera).

You start wondering if it was the best move. You wonder if you might have cause more hurt than help. You wonder if others will judge you and treat you differently. Nonetheless, any point of no return will result in a change in attitude, behaviour, thoughts, and words. Again, it may not be sudden yet, the culmination of this can and will be seen in the future (or perhaps one is thinking too far ahead.. Again).

My leap of faith was sharing those dark moments in hopes that you see some light. It is a sinner, who has fallen from grace and was shown the way back to the light, that wants you to see that it is attainable to all who seek it. Maybe the message wasn't carried across coherently. Maybe the points you wanted to share were not connected to the questions.

What's done is in the past; don't cry over spilt milk unless you don't mind lapping it off the floor/table. Nobody wants to know that they were the cause of another's hurt, unless you're a sadist and that's your mojo. Jokes aside, you share what you hope can be a small beam of light or pillar of strength for another that you care for. I am not referring to affection for another individual who is emotionally connected to you; I am referring to affection you should have for all beings in this earth.

No one is above the beggar on the streets. No one is less innocent than a child. We all carry vices and wrongs that you can never fix no matter how you wistfully wish for it. Face it and deal with it.

At the end of the day, you are your strongest supporter, advocator, and confidante.