It's a bit of a shock to my system which has been on 'Drive' since 2010. Passing time and days has ceased to mean rushing or running to the next assignment or appointment in my day-to-day schedule. I wonder if journeying through the decades of your life makes you numb to your surroundings that you do not realise the race you have unwittingly joined until you are thrown out of it. After the initial shock (and lots of rough landing; imagine jumping out a moving car, oui?), there comes the numbness and maybe even quakes of terror that your life is going down the drain. Life stops and you feel like you've stepped off a very high cliff.
Always finding myself in these non-stop movements, I get disconcerted when I come to a halt. It makes me take note of my current predicament and it makes me depressed. Guilty of riding the wave, I become less humane to my surroundings and everything becomes a blur of secular values. Nothing becomes enough and like an addict, I search for the next hit. No, I don't do drugs and will only do so at the threat of physical decapitation or some dear to me will come after me to finish me off and there will be a queue. I'm not sure which thought scares me more..
So we run to the next plan in our itinerary. We rush to squeeze as much work in a day to be productive. We fill up our daily planners to ensure we maximise our 24 hours. Yet, have we ever stop to think that maybe, a whole day or weekend (I can hear some of you going "God/Heaven forbid! What nonsense??" so calm your tits) without any pre-made plans is what we need? I have heard of some individuals who turn off work so well, that weekends are holidays for their minds, bodies and souls. And you know what? These individuals are happy and successful. They may not make much a month and they may have health problems but they are contented with life without turning to cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, clubs, bars, promiscuous sex or a rumbustious social life.
When have you truly taken time to listen to yourself and ask, what truly makes you happy that even the thought of it puts a smile on your face? I found myself grinning like an idiot during dinner one night when reminiscing about the fun times I had when I was a student. I remembered being utterly excited for a reverse bungee and singing all the way. I remembered leading a group of girls for marching practises. I remembered going for exchange with a bunch of amazing people and how it changed my view of the world. I remembered conversations with kids that made me love the thought of having one of my own. Luckily, my family was otherwise occupied with the food before us, otherwise I would have been at the end of a long questioning.
You see, the simple things are going to be forgotten one day. Now, I find it hard to recall certain memories even with photographs and conversations with friends and acquaintances. I asked myself, do I really want to forget these little things that made me sincerely happy? Sure, nothing beats walking across the stage to receive my degree from my faculty dean. Nothing beats being tossed into the air for 3 consecutive times by co-workers to celebrate my milestone in life (my knees still turn wobbly when I think about it..). 10 years down the road, will I remember this emotion that sends warmth spreading in my heart? I have found that the pictures taken in these happiest moments in my life was utterly beautiful, not because I have a crooked smile with a gaped hole in my teeth, not because I looked passably photogenic BUT because I could feel the joy emanating from every part of the few captured moments and I could remember the occasion. I do not doubt that there are more moments in life that will add to my collection of happy thoughts but I do not want to make space in my memory for them; I want to catch them all (I've always wanted to use this phrase) and keep them preserved for my own perusal until I reach my expiry date.
I remember promising myself many years ago, that I would embrace what life threw at me; I would not worry about tomorrow because (at the risk of sounding insanely holy, pious, religious, etc. but whatever dude, I believe in a higher power so deal with it) God has it all planned out. Many (especially Mae) asked me, why am I not worried about things in life? Why aren't I worrying about my plans? My answer: I tried worrying about it. I tried planning it so intricately I even had a 5-year plan once. Then, like always, I sat back and patiently watched and waited for the plans to work out (but most of you have no idea how often I want to give in to my desire to just take one step forward quickly all the time and not stay still).
You know what strikes me the hardest at the most opportune timings? God (or whomever/whatever you believe in) has a way of showing you that the best things in life comes to those who wait for it. Yes, there is that cliché that sometimes people miss the best things in life because they wait for better things to come. No, it's not those instances that I refer to here. I am referring about the beautiful sunset you saw although you were stuck behind a lorry moving at 40km/h on the road, the people who survived 9/11 because of a small deviation in their daily routine, waiting for the next turn in traffic lights that allowed you to bump into a friend who you have lost touch with, an amazing job offer that comes your way after a bad career track, etc.
My point of this post: You are responsible for what you feel. If you want to be happy, if you want to be free, if you want to experience that small piece of peace; pursue it, look for it. As Five For Fighting puts in so well in their song The Riddle, "There's a reason for the world; you and I."